Waggoner and Carnivore excavation series
Excavations by the Legogytologist Howie Waggoner have revealed a cache of imagery documenting the enigmatic reign of Pharaoh Red-i-Heka or Lego Ruler who ruled during the 'Covid Periods', the exact dating of which are uncertain.
Following his discovery of papyri documenting the saga of Pharaoh and Mummy, Howie Waggoner met with that wealthy lion- among-men, Lord Carnivore. Waggoner was convinced the hitherto undiscovered tomb of Pharaoh Red-i-Heka was nearby and he needed funds. Lots of funds. For years and years....
Flush with funds from Lord Carnivore, Howie Waggoner starts his epic task of excavating down to the bedrock in the Valley of the Plastic Kings. Alas, so far he only seemed to be producing spoil heaps, not heaps of spoils.
And so the dig went on. And on. Skipping forward a few years....... Howie Waggoner proudly displayed the fruits of his labours to Lord Carnivore. Workmen's huts, storage pots and an ostracon with rooster depiction. Lord C was, quite frankly, not impressed "you promised me a tomb" he roared, "and what do I get? A potted-chicken shack".
Alas the kitty was empty and a disillusioned Carnivore was disinclined to feed it. Waggoner launched a charm offensive and announced he would go it alone for one final season to finish the dig. Alarmed at being excluded from what could, just possibly be the find of a lifetime, Carnivore coughed up.
Note: This exchange actually took place in Carnivore's English lair, but because of travel restrictions we could not get there for the photo shoot.
Funds secured, the digathon resumed and, hey presto, it was not long before Waggoner uncovered steps leading down to a sealed doorway. Could this be the intact tomb of Pharaoh Red-i-Heka? The next bit is well documented, but sadly incorrect. What actually happened was this:
Lord Carnivore: "What can you see ?"
Waggoner: "Absolutely nothing. I haven't made the peep hole yet."
Door demolished, Waggoner entered a chamber full of marvellous things. It was as if all the glittering goodies a deceased Pharaoh could possibly need had been packed in a 'removal van' for the journey from this world to the next: beds, boxes and every conceivable thing
The photographer, Hal Burtoff had a massive task ahead.
It was time to open the sarcophagus and meet the Pharaoh. Amazing, how well preserved the body was - but then plastic does tend to decompose very very slowly.
Clearing Pharaoh's treasures from the tomb is best described as a bit like the funeral procession but in reverse. Instead of the 'opening of the mouth' ceremony, Waggoner initiated a 'shutting the mouth' of the paparazzi procedure.
Episode 9: The sad one
Exhausted by all the excitement, Carnivore took himself off down the Nile to Aswan where he had a very unfortunate encounter with a mosquito followed by an even more unfortunate accident with a razor. We all know what happened so let's just leave it there and contemplate the advantages of beards.
As we know, Waggoner was not a big fan of the press so he selected just one newspaper to report on proceedings. This rather irritated the rest of the hacks who proceeded to invent stories about curses and such like. Of course, no one nowadays is EVER taken in by such fake news!
SERIES ONE: THE COVID INTERMEDIATE PERIOD
SERIES TWO: THE LATE COVID KINGDOM
SERIES THREE: THE SECOND COVID INTERMEDIATE PERIOD